Yup! I said it, it's hard! I remember people telling me before I had JPG3 that you will be tired and your hormones will be all out of wack, but NO ONE told me how emotionally hard this will be. Right now I have 3 pieces of my heart walking around, 3 pieces of my soul trying to navigate life without me!!
My emotional journey started just just hours into labor with JPG3. A routine induction ended in an emergency C-section. I don't remember too much of what happened because by that point I was heavily medicated but what I do remember was looking into Big Daddy's eyes fearing we would never hear that cry of our new baby. Finally we did! It was the most glorious sound I ever heard in my life.
Then its on to decision making things that really are not a big deal but at the same time you have just minutes to decide that could change someone else's life. You are no longer making a choice that will only effect your life but this tiny thing that is solely reliant on you. Do you breast feed or bottle feed, pacifier or no, vaccination or no shots at all, co-sleeping or in their own bed on day one, etc???
Breast feeding was always my goal and JPG3 decided to challenge my perfect plan, really I should say my body foiled that plan. ' It's natural, it will just work. It will be so easy!' Yea f'in right! I've failed now twice and I have only had this baby for hours. He was supplemented with formula and I pumped vigorously for 1 month. At that time I said he's either going to latch or I'm done. He's completely fine with this bottle. (A fed thriving baby is the best way to feed your baby) Success, he latched! Then for 7 more months he was both nursed and bottle fed.
JPG3 went on to be an amazing baby with only a few short months of colic. Then around 1 we started to notice something that was not normal. He had to hold everything so close to his face. Like any first time parents we denied that anything was wrong until we couldn't deny it any longer. Jay was diagnosed with severe myopia (nearsightedness). He was 18 months with the biggest lenses I've ever seen in my life. They were so thick I cried. right then and there I made a pact that I would do everything in my power to make sure JPG3 got any and everything he could possibly need to make sure that he will be a well adjusted human. Anytime someone suggested extra help we got it. Any specialist they recommended we went. He had more doctors than any one I've ever met. After so many genetic tests, MRI, an electogram (I'm pretty sure that's what it was) on his eyes, Physical therapist, Occupational therapist, Speech therapist, a behavioral therapist and so many more. With so many more decisions along the way, like medicating for his ADHD, when even my family is so against it. He is the most amazing child I have ever met. He is so sweet and caring. He is such a hard worker overcoming any and everything that life has put in his way!
Medical issues can be overwhelming but with Rose that's not the problem. While she also has ADHD she's completely different than JPG3. She is just a little hyper, too smart for her own good, kind and caring. She likes to over-help people, even when they clearly don't want or need it. Last year this caused problems with some of the kids in her class. First of all, I am not the person who says 'Oh no, that's not my child! They are prefect' No, it's more like "Yea I'm sure she/he did what can we do to fix this or help them?" While she is at the age that she really needs to learn how to navigate life's choppy waters with adults watching out for her we didn't have that. We had terrible parents talking about Rose in the parking lot. Making up stories to make her (yes a 6 year old) look like a terrible child and that their children were perfect little angels. I have never in my life wanted to punch someone as much as I did these 2 moms. It still makes my blood boil.
With all of this going on you can either roll with the punches or let it drag you down. Before I had children I was the perfect parent! Everything I was going to do was the right way and my children were going to be the most perfect, well mannered, smartest, beautiful humans you've ever seen. Then I had kids and reality kicked me so hard in the ass! My children are perfectly flawed just like all of us. If I did anything right in life it was making really cute kids though! Never will you hear me again say that I am the best mom. I make mistakes and second guess myself. I cry (A LOT) then I pull on my big girl pants and get going. I am blessed that I have a support system. Find that, if its not a partner or a spouse, a mom or dad, etc find a friend who will listen, one who will not judge.
We have way to much judging in the parenting world. Have less of that. Do what works best for you, your child and your family. Who gives a rats ass what Sandra from down the street says. (I don't know a Sandra) As long as you are doing what you think is the best decision for you, do it! Make sure you get the facts though. Big Daddy came home last night and said that a new father at his work said that breast milk was only beneficial for 4 weeks anyways. I thought I was going to die!! Did he and his wife believe this?? Where was he getting his information??? Oh my, this is so very not true! Now, if nursing just didn't fit into your life style then formula is great. Like I already said above 'a fed baby is the best way to feed'.
Life is hard and parenting is really fucking hard! It's worth every tear, ache, pain and scream. My 3 are the reason I live and breathe. They are the reason I get up in the morning , well that and to pee! I will continue to put my feelings aside and fight for what they want and need. If we aren't going to do it for our children no one else will!