In my adulthood I have always been pretty upfront about my anxiety, depression and the fact that I have terrible insomnia. I am truly ok saying that I have this illness but I never really talk about it. Did you know that According to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America, a international non-profit organization, that "Anexity disorders are the most common mental illness in the US, affecting 40 million adults." But then "only 36.9% of those suffering receive treatment." Why is it that with so many of us in the same boat you always feel so alone?
My anxiety and depression started way before my parenting journey. Since then it has taken on many different forms and have shifted.Its taking me so long to decide how to write this and what really to say. This has not been a good couple of days. I had to take a round of steroids for my back and it really messed up my emotions. My anxiety makes me think 'Who really cares about my reading of my depression? I'm sure they will only think I'm whining while so many bad things are happening in the world.' I also know that maybe only one person needs to hear they are not fighting this alone. I remember seeing a meme about having both anxiety and depression it hit home so hard for me. It said something along the lines of being worried what everyone will think, but not caring enough to do something about it. This is a constant for me.
Not caring enough that I haven't showered in days but worrying about what the parents at the school think when I drop my kids off.
Not caring that the laundry in the washer has been there for days, but frustrated that you cant find anything to wear.
Not caring that the dishes are piled high, but worried that someone will stop over and see how messy the kitchen is.
Not being able to get the motivation to get out of bed in the morning but upset your kids are late for school another day.
Wanting to be loved but not wanting anyone to touch you because your mind cant handle anymore stimulus, good, bad indifferent.
Wanting to be the best mom, wife, person in the entire world but know that you are failing because you just cant get it together!
When I say worry I'm being gentle. Really I mean I have this irrational fear that consumes me. My chest hurts and I can't breathe. I cant focus on anything but what's happening in my head. There's no just 'get over it', 'calm down', 'relax', etc. That doesn't help. Do you think I am choosing to be like this? Do you think that if I could just relax I would you dumbass?
I don't have the luxury to just sit around. I am an adult with adult responsibilities. I have to get up. I have to make sure that that everyone has clean clothes. I have to make sure that the kids have lunches packed and homework done. I have to take them to school and karate and speech therapy. I have to talk to other adults like nothing is the matter. All while wanting a dark room and my bed.
Over the years my anxiety has gotten worse. I have terrible separation anxiety with my kids. They don't even care that I am leaving them somewhere. Although whenever I do, for me it feels like its the worse thing I've ever done. Dropping them off to school and on the way home thinking all of the crazy things that could happen and me being to far away to get to them fast enough. I don't know that this will ever get better. Controlled better but I will always worry.
As a mom we are judged so much, from the smallest decision like what kind of diapers to the most significant. Living and parenting with anxiety and depression makes you just a little more crazy. Fearing you are always choosing the wrong thing and then obsessing over it until it consumes you. Before I was put on my new medication (Which took me a long time to make that decision) I could see how it was affecting my kids. I was short with them. Anytime I had a panic attack, which you never new what would set me off, they had to be quite and turn off anything that made noise. They didn't understand and they thought they were being bad or I was mad at them. I couldn't handle life. A simple thing as going to the park or even just outside to play was miserable. I longed for the seclusion that is my house. Part of parenting is teaching your children how to maintain friendships. I was only showing them my loneliness.
Being a wife with anxiety and depression makes me feel like I am the worse wife ever. Being to down to want any type of intimacy. Then having the anxiety that he's going to find it somewhere else. Its really just a big fucking merry-go-round and I cant jump off. I am truly lucky that I have Big Daddy. While he doesnt even begin to understand how I feel and why I'm feeling this way. He supports, accepts and love me for me. I am even more lucky to have JPG3, Rose and JD for they are the most loving and forgiving children I know.
Thankfully now I am on a medicine that really helps me be really me and not recluse me. I will keep trudging along and do what needs to be done because that's life. You cant just exist you have to live! I will try to do better and be better because that's what my children need, that's what my husband needs but most of all its what I need. Some days will be better than others and its okay. I am still learning to not care what others think of me. If you like me awesome if you don't that's ok too. It shouldn't make me anxious.
I will always have depression, I will always be anxious and I will probably always have insomnia. I am learning to love myself regardless. It is my hope that if you are feeling in anyway like I did reach out to someone, anyone. People are way more understanding than what we give them credit for.
I'm not sure who wrote this but it is truly perfect. This is similar to the one that I mentioned above. I wish I that I can find this person and hug them for making it so clear on what this feels like everyday.