I've always had a hard time making friends. I have what people call a 'resting bitch face'. I am also kind of a bitch in general. Over the years I have perfected the art of faking it. People who really know me know the difference between "hi" as me and "Hii' as the fake me. Its unfortunately or maybe fortunately has gotten me through life as an adult with a social anxiety.
I have a really hard time letting people know the real me. I have always been like this. Its easier knowing that people will make fun of you because you are different. I was always the different one. I was the quiet one, the quirky one. I was an easy target because I didn't and still don't like confrontation. Well....unless you mess with my children and then I don't care who you are I will hurt you! Getting made fun as a child still effects me to this day. I hate that is does but it just did a number on my self esteem.
I think that another reason why I am terrible at letting
people in is because of my family life. Now don't get me wrong I have the most amazing parents you could ever ask for. My mom was a 15 year old still trying to figure life out but still always put me first. One day I hope that I am the women she is, she is my inspiration! Then you have my dad. He didn't actually have part in making me but he decided to take another person child and love me like he did. He is my hero! Ugh, I'm crying because I know how blessed I am to have them. Alright back to my story..I was only 5 when my 'sperm donor' left. So it taught me that no matter how much you love someone they leave. If family can do it so can friends. Which brings me to my extended family. On both sides they are so hard to explain. I'm not actually sure that half of them ever tried to actually get to know me as an adult. I know most of them have pasted judgement about me not really knowing who I am. I do not want to paint a bad picture of any of them. They are all wonderful people. Most are kind and loving, but like most people only on their terms. Also just in general having a huge family, especially an Italian and a Hispanic one, its really easy to get lost in the shuffle. Like I said I can be quiet and its really easy for people to completely ignore you. So again seeing how easy it is for the people who are supposed to love you the most completely over look you then why would a someone want to be your friend.
Really and truly its my own crazy thinking that has brought me this far. I should not allow anyone to measure my worth but my self. Too bad for so long I did a really shitty job of that!
Making mom friends is even harder. Now I am so busy almost every day of the week we have stuff. Mondays, Wednesday, and Saturdays we have karate. Tuesday and Thursdays is drama for JPG3. Sundays is PSR. We are all over the place and because I am a stay at home mom I am only talking to adults at the places I am taking my children, school and karate. I do really well with making small talk with people but not making long lasting friendships. Now don't get me wrong I have a couple really close friends who are amazing and have gotten me through some really hard places in life. Even with them its hard to call them when I "need" something. I need to talk, I need to vent, I need to have a night out. I never want to be a burden on them. You know who wants to hear the bad?? I crave that though. I want to be the women in Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood. I want that closeness I've always wanted it. I want to have friends that I go on a girls vacation later in life when our children are grown. Someone who I can just be like "listen to this bullshit..."
I always say that I wish I could be more like Rose. Yes, my 6 year old. She can walk into a room and make 5 new friends before the night is over. She doesn't give a shit what people think about her. When talking about 'friends' tonight even JPG3 said "I have lots of friends. you know even the people who I've met at the park and never see again." I said "No, those are acquaintances." "No mom those are friends too" I know that over the years his idea of friends will change. Not everyone is going to be your friend. Now the friends I do have are absolutely wonderful. I have the best sister-in-law and she is usually the one who is on the other end of "Holy shit you are never going to believe this....." I also have two best friends who I know would always have listening ear if I ever chose to reach out, one close and one far. Plus I am really trying to make better bonds with people. I am trying to open my self up its hard and I still need to work on it. Having these crazy things I call children also make my choice of friends different. I think that it would be so hard to have friends who are not doing the same thing as you. Its not like you can be amazing friends with someone who hates children. You kinda become a package deal. Then what happens when your kids and their kids hate each other. Its almost like you have to find someone new. Most of the time at this age your friends are more 'friends of opportunity'. If Suzy's kids stops going to baseball then you will probably not talk to her anymore. Its so stressful to make friends and now it could all come crashing down. WTF
Yes, I am crazy making friends shouldn't be this hard. Making deep meaningful relationships with people shouldn't be this messy. I hope that you have found your group of ladies to lean on and I will continue to get stronger at making friends and lasting friendships. I will understand that I am worthy of their time and attention. I am a work in progress.